Chemo Brain

Hi there stranger.

   Sorry for the long wait.  I have been procrastinating. Not gonna lie. Don't let the title fool ya, although "chemo brain" is a very real thing.  I find myself forgetting things people tell me within seconds.  It drives poor hubby insane.  But I digress. 
I'm guessing you want to know the latest and maybe some of the things that have happened since my last post a long time ago. Again, my bad. 

   So, I typed up a post after my 3rd round but never posted it.  Here I am after round 6 now.  Anyhoooo....  Round 4 was my last dance with the red devil. Yay! Here's a picture of the little bugger:

 

   A nurse had to push it through my port by hand and she had to time it to finish in 20 minutes while watching for any reactions (ie burning, rash, pain). Apparently this stuff will burn skin on contact.  Yikes! 

All I know is 2 days after the red devil was injected, I felt like death and it was getting progressively worse with each round. I'm so glad that part is done. 

Rounds 5-8 was supposed to be the chemo drug "paclitaxel" or "taxol".  After round 5 though, my oncologist had to adjust the dosage.  You see, the second night after my round with taxol, my feet and hands started tingling and going numb.  Within a couple of hours, the tingling in my feet turned into shooting pains.  It was like electric shocks starting in my toes shooting up my legs (both of them, front and back) to my back and stomach.  This was happening every 2 seconds.  Nothing I did helped.  I tried moving them, shaking them, massaging them, relaxing them.  The pain was still there.  I couldn't sleep.  I downed 3 Tylenol and prayed for sleep.  I was able to get some shut-eye for a couple of hours until the pain started up again and woke me up.  I woke hubby up for some of his Motrin stash.  Downed 3 of those for a decent 3 more hours of precious sleep.  I woke up early with hubby the next morning.  He was heading to work and my legs would not let me sleep anymore.  I sat in my recliner in the living room to kill time until I had to wake up the kids for school.  I tried to tough it out the rest of the day, spacing out the Tylenol and Motrin since you can't have more than 6 in a 24 hour period.  It was getting unbearable.  After the kids and hubby got home that evening, my legs felt like fire!  By bedtime, I was crying to my husband.  I know he felt bad.  He felt helpless.  You see, I'm not a crybaby.  Not for pain anyway,  I gave birth to 4 babies, and I never cried during labor.  And that HURT!  This though, was something else.  Over 24 hours of this pain, I was exhausted, I prayed and prayed "Please God, help me." Over and over.  At 11:30 pm, hubby called the oncologist's office. They take calls 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  One of the oncologist on staff will call back, and that night it was my oncologist on-call.  He called back in 10 minutes and talked to hubby.  He said that we would have to come by the office the next day to pick up a prescription since calling in pain meds is illegal. So, another night of this. I down some Tylenol, and sleep came. Unfortunately, no one was able to get to the oncologist office before closing time the next day. Then finally, on Friday, my brother got off early as usual on Fridays and picked it up for me. He even dropped it off at Walgreens. He came over and we watched a movie and waited til the prescription was ready for pickup.  I fed him and had good quality time with my little brother.  We watched "The Book Thief" and ate leftovers and popsicles.  He left for a bit to pick up the prescription which ended up being some GOOD painkillers. That night I slept like a baby.  Those pills numbed everything. I only needed to take it twice more,  for the following 2 nights, just at night so I can sleep. By Sunday though, the pain had mostly subsided, it was more like a dull pain, but a rash started a few nights prior.  It started on the backs of my legs and on my hands and feet.  On Sunday, it was all over my legs up to my lower back and from the backs of my hands to my shoulders. 

On Monday, the shooting pains were almost all gone just tingling remained and I was thankful for that.  The tingling and that darn rash.  It. Was. So. Itchy!  Night and day I was scratching. It finally started to subside on Friday.

   The following Monday was Chemo Round 6. The rash was concerning to my oncologist.  By then the rash had faded, but the bumps and scabs from scratching were still there.  In the end, we decided that the lower dosage would be better.  That means though that my treatment would be longer.  9 more weeks instead of 6,  and I would have to come for each round weekly.  Nine more rounds in nine weeks.  This medication is called nab-paclitaxel. It is virtually the same as Taxol, but with some of the components taken out.  So, here I am second day and no pain! Hallelujah! Thank you Jesus!

   There, you are caught up.

I'll leave you with this adorable picture of my darlings, who have not missed one round of chemo since the beginning.

They were watching Baby Einstein.

 

Blessings and love everyone!

-L

Easter Eve

Happy Easter weekend everyone! It's beautiful outside today! Sunny and 60° ... I'm outside with my favorite people at Charlie Daniels Park, soaking in some sun and breathing in tons of fresh spring air. It is glorious. I feel great today, I even went for a walk with hubby and Lai. I hope you get outside and enjoy this Saturday. We are.

-L

Welcome

Hi.  Are you here from Facebook?

Are you ready for the bomb?

I have breast cancer.

Take a moment....

Ok?

Now, on to the questions:
How did it happen?
Sometime in mid January Hubby noticed my boob looked funny.  We've been married for like ever and we talk to each other like bffs.  As I walked by him to hop in the shower, he says, "Hey, what's up with your boob?" (mean what you say, say what you mean, that's how we do) To which I reply "huh?"  I had to look in the mirror to see what he meant by that.  Because honestly, who really looks at themselves naked in the mirror?  I don't. Not ever.  I don't want to lose my lunch, haha. But I digress.  My left nipple definitely looked weird.  It was pointing kinda sideways and looked wonky. So upon further inspection, there was a definite something in there.  hm. I gotta get that checked.  Made an appointment with my gyno in the next few days and she referred me to a breast surgeon because it's "suspicious". That specific breast surgeon was out for all of January for her annual vacay, so I had to wait until Feb 2. No biggie. I wasn't worried. Yet.
My birthday came and went.  I really wasn't thinking about it.  I don't like to stress. Feb 2 came and my appointment was for 10:00 am.  I spent the rest of the day there. I didn't leave until 5:00 pm.  Even hubby came after he got off work at 3:00 pm. She had me go through an ultrasound, a mammogram, another ultrasound, and a core biopsy.  Turns out there are a total of 6 "masses". SIX.  But only one can be felt with a typical exam. You know, the kind with the hands, squeezing and pinching.  Anyway, biopsies of the two larger masses were sent to the lab and an appointment for results were scheduled for 2 days later.  I started to worry.  That core biopsy was kinda awful. It hurt and the thingy she used to biopsy the masses was like a little hook that stabbed the meat in there while taking a chunk of it with every click.  Gross I know. Anyway, fast forward two days and hubby and I are back for the results. She comes in hands me the pathology report and says "It's cancer".  Damn.  I just stare at her.  Did I just hear her say that word?  She seemed like she was waiting.  Waiting for me to start crying, or something. I didn't. Not until I looked at hubby, who was pouting. Oh God hear come the tears.  She hands me tissues and says some things I can't remember right now, and walks out.  I'm really crying as the door closes. Hubby is crying too.  I know why he is crying, but I'm crying because I don't want to tell my kids.  I don't want my kids to hurt. I stop crying after a few minutes but my hubby hasn't stopped. Humor is my way of coping so I say to him "Hey! You've been trying to get rid of me forever. Here ya go!". To which he replies, "Yeah, but you never would leave so you're kinda stuck with me." I love this man.

Why are you bald?
I started chemo March 9.  Ive had my second round last week.  And as my oncologist predicted I started losing my hair after round 2.  More about that on the post below.

Mastectomy?
Yes, Complete mastectomy 3 weeks after the last round of chemo. I will be getting new boobs ! YAY!  As my bestie Marsh says "GO BIG OR GO HOME!"  Yes indeedy!

Are you still working?
No. My oncologist took me off work as of last Monday.

Do the kids know?  How did they take it?
We told Tyler the day we found out.  He is stubborn and wanted to know right away what the results were.  So I was forced to tell him, in a crowded restaurant, before our order was brought to the table.  He bawled. For a long time.  It broke my heart. I didn't know what to say.  We waited to tell the other three until we had a definitive plan.  We told them at home in the evening.  Bubba took it really hard and Nate cried more because his big brother was crying.  Lai cried as she watched me cry.  We explained that cancer is nobody's fault, nothing they did made it happen, that it's not contagious, and that it doesn't change how we feel about them and how things at home will be.  It was hard, but I needed them to know so I can talk freely about it and that they know what cancer is and if they have questions they can ask me anytime. 

Do I need anything? How can I help?
Just pray for us.  Mostly that's what we need.  God has a plan.  If you feel strongly about doing something.  Bring food.  My littles eat a lot. And it would help so much. 

How do you feel?
Chemo sucks.  SUCKS.  But I am trying to be positive.  I've gotten two rounds under my belt.  I'm closer to finishing than I was a month ago.  God made me for this.  I was built to fight this battle.  This is part of my purpose.  He will never leave me nor forsake me. 

If you have anymore questions, you can leave it in the comments and I will answer asap.

Thanks for coming by.  You can subscribe by clicking on the link to the right -->.
I'll post as much as possible to keep you up to date.

Love you all
L

Out of the fog. For a bit

Whew.  That round 2 did a number on me.  It was harder to cope this time around.  Here I am 10 days after chemo round 2 and I'm finally feeling like myself instead of the zombie-version of me. Also, this time, unlike last time, my tastebuds have not yet gone back to normal.  I didn't eat much Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday of last week. Even the last night's spaghetti (made with ground turkey) didn't taste good to me.  I ate some for lunch today and it is delicious! 
I don't know what to expect anymore.  I thought that round one would be the worst since it was my first, but since having the second round, I'm feeling like the rounds will just keep getting harder.  I hope not. 
Anyway, last Tuesday, my hair started falling out.  I started noticing 10-15 hairs on my shirt, then more when I would run my fingers through them.  I started to just put it all up in a ponytail, hoping that it would be contained.  But then my scalp started hurting.  It was a sore/sunburnt type of feeling.  Tender to the touch and warm.  I would periodically take out the ponytail to check on my hair.  Chunks of hair would come out with the hair tie.  Then more as I ran my fingers through it.  It was breaking my heart.  I texted Jessica for some advice, and she thought that it would be best to just shave it off.  She has been cutting my hair since I moved here (13 years this year), and I trust her with my hair completely.  The next day, I asked hubby if he would be willing to shave it for me.  He was hesitant.  I'm sure he thought that I would regret it, but I was ready.
Honestly, I have always wondered what it would be like to be bald.  I envied those women who looked amazing with their beautiful bald heads.  And if you know me, just 2 years ago, I rocked a Mohawk. Half my head was shaved.  So I had practice.  Bring it.
So here I am.  Kickin cancer's ass:

Chemo Round 2

Tomorrow will be my second dance with the red devil.  I'm dreading it.  My first round was on a Monday, 13 days ago.  Along with the red devil, there is another chemo drug that was given via IV and a host of other drugs I can't pronounce.  But that red devil (Adriamycin), slapped me around, kicked my ass, then sat on me while I was down.  I spent 4 days after chemo in a fog.  I had no energy, and everything tasted horrible. Even water tasted like metal.  I barely remember getting out of bed to plop my butt on the recliner in my living room.  I was in and out of sleep all day and in the evenings I dragged my body (think zombie) to drift in and out of sleep all night in my bed.  Eating was another challenge.  I managed to eat bananas, and some saltine crackers.  I knew I needed to eat.  I needed to eat to help my body heal.  I have never struggled to eat like that.  I forced myself to eat those 3 days.  A few bites of chicken here, a couple bites of oatmeal there, a bite of cornbread.  Whatever I put in my mouth made me want to vomit.  Thankfully, I never did.  On Saturday, I woke up feeling somewhat normal.  I even wanted to leave the house.  We took the kids to the lake and visited grandbaby for a bit.  It was nice.  By last Monday I was back to normal.  My tastebuds were fine and I had energy.  I went to work all week and felt like I did before chemo.  I'm hoping this pattern continues as long as possible.  I just don't know how many times I can take that dance.  I have 3 more to go.
Pray for me

This was me during Round 1.

See you on the other side.
L

Do you know the numbers?

Did you know that 1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetime? ONE in EIGHT!!  Did you hear me? That's huge! That's a lot. Let that sink in.

They say your chances of getting breast cancer is higher if you have family history, i.e. your mom, aunt, grandma, great grandma, etc. I don't have family history.  Also, more white women get diagnosed, then statistically African American women follow, then Hispanic, and last in that order of risk? Asian.  I KNOW!  I spoke to a geneticist from some company that is testing my DNA for the BRCA gene (more on that later) and she said to me, "You are just a fluke." Lucky me. 

Anywho, you can Google the stats yourself, the numbers are staggering.  Scary stuff. 

So, please get your mammograms ladies.  No one is immune.  Cancer is an asshole and does not discriminate.

Love you guys.
L.

Quickie

It's been 38 days since my diagnosis and since then I've had my first round of chemotherapy.

Let me tell you something, chemo SUCKS.  It is the worst thing I have ever been through my entire life.  I would never wish that on anyone! It was actually one week ago today and I still cringe.  I still feel the aftermath of the meds that were put in (one of which is nicknamed "the red devil").  It is literally poison in your system.  I understand the process and how it all works (I read a lot of info about my diagnosis, treatments options, and breast cancer in general) and I know that the treatment plan is what my oncologist and breast surgeon have presented as the best course for me, but I wasn't prepared for what I felt.  I was sick. Really sick. I pray you never have to do it. 

Anyway, I'm venting.  I was home all week last week.  I didn't get up much until Friday. I had no appetite and foods just don't taste right (one side effect of chemo).  I went to work today and plan on working the rest of this week.  Next week Monday is round 2....

Like a train

Thursday Feb 5, 2015, I sat on an exam table, facing my husband while this doctor who I just met three days prior said, "You have breast cancer"

Boom.

It's like you get hit by a train.  One day you are fine, life is good. Then, just like that, it isn't.  Cancer is a word that often times is associated with death.  When people hear that word, they feel bad, like you have been handed a death sentence.  Maybe it's just me.

I don't know about anyone else, but I am gonna fight this. I will do what it takes.  WHATEVER it takes.  I have people counting on me.